What a time to be alive in the summer of 2019.
The heat and the synchronicity strengthens as may comes to a close.
And here I’ve found myself, found myself, at 7AM in August and yes, the heat and the synchronicity have been strong, perhaps too strong for me, at times.
Recently in light of a Bi Polar 1 diagnosis I’ve been taking really good care of my health, training like an athlete in the words of writer Julie Fast, exercising and eating right. I’ve gained about forty pounds my frame was begging for. I take a slew of medications that, despite past vehement rejection I find that they help my mind to stay clear and devoid of excess noise so that I can actually experience clarity where there was once overwhelm and confusion. My therapist now is brilliant and has been able to reach me in ways other therapists before could not. Perhaps hospitalization and the medication combined have helped me to trust a little better, to open up and unfold a little more deeply with the therapy process.
I have to remember that I write this for myself before anyone else. I am curtailing the urge to explain, explain, explain myself. To shout and boast about the things other people seem to have doubted in me, that exacerbates and scrapes upon what I naturally doubt in myself. Doubt and the sensation of guilt in motherhood is no unfamiliar subject, however taboo considering all the picture perfect instagram Mothers who’s kids never seem to have tantrums or watch TV or eat ice cream. The harshness in my literary inflection is not from judgement, but from trying to make a point. I wish so deeply that we could all be kinder to each other, and particularly kinder to the Mothers who serve as tunnels between worlds, who receive to conceive and grow entire small humans, serve as a portal from everything to earth- and then hold their babies to their breast and love them, and worry for them, and raise them, and teach them, and feed them, and shelter them and provide for them, and protect them, and hope for better futures for them, and hope to be good enough. Good enough. Good Enough. It’s really a tall order in a world where our socioeconomic structure seem unstable, unsustainable and unforgiving unless you conform to a particular formula, which, still doesn’t seem to work quite as well as it should.
My thoughts this morning revolve around what happens when you truly follow your heart, your heART; your more sincere inclinations that flow beneath the surface of your doubt and conditioning, refracting light like diamonds and beckoning you ever closer to sip from the sweet stream of (inner) freedom, and the truth of who you actually are. and what you are actually capable of.
I can say from experience, whether something big like creating a successful enterprise/business or something small like happening across a full, almost triple rainbow or crossing paths with a particularly beautiful leaf, I suggest following your heART. I suggest wading through the doubt and trepidation to find the gold on the other side. I promise it’s worth it.
Maybe I’ll come back to tell some more specific stories. There are some good ones.